It was unusually quiet for an afternoon in New York City as my friend and I headed to her psychiatry appointment.

A few days earlier, while eating dinner in our university’s dining hall, she had asked if I’d be able to support her. She’d had a few panic attacks in the past week and had been struggling with the transition from high school to undergraduate school. I was happy to be a part of any healing she needed—even if I had my reservations about the medical field.

At the time, I didn’t trust anyone who prescribed something that could alter your mind.

For me, growing up Black and Christian meant believing any ailment could be healed with prayer. For my family, it also meant stigmatizing therapy as something broken people did.

I knew I wasn’t alone in this. Black people have a mixed and often tumultuous history when it comes to hospitals, institutions for mental wellness, and the like—so we’ve worked to find ways to be resilient and to lean on each other.

Still: There’s a point where community care ends for some of us and we need professionals to step in.

After my friend’s session, we hopped on the subway to head back to campus.

And soon after, my own mental health reckoning really began to unfold. Heavy course loads mixed with toxic relationships and family trauma I'd stuffed away for my entire life—it all coalesced and landed me face down on the cold tiles of my dormitory floor.

I was done. Something had to change and I knew I needed help.

After several late night conversations with my friend and one intense yet loving intervention, I found myself in weekly sessions with an on-campus therapist.

Admittingly, I got in my own way for most of the semester, as I wasn’t accustomed to telling a complete stranger my problems. Growing up, I learned, “Everything ain’t for everybody, so don’t go out there sharing our family business.” Messages like these aren’t only heard in my family; a lot of us have kept quiet about the same things we could be releasing.

Over the years, therapy has helped me to identify self-limiting beliefs, to get unstuck, and to work on the torn places that have needed healing. I’ve learned to give myself permission to take my time with the process, and I’ve worked with a variety of practitioners as each one has been useful for a different season in my life.

It’s been 11 years since I graduated from undergraduate school, and I’ve received a plethora of insightful and useful advice from therapists.

I’ve realized healing doesn’t have to happen in a vacuum, so that’s why I’ve dedicated myself to being a mental health advocate and sharing my story—and encouraging others to do so as well.

I’ve realized healing doesn’t have to happen in a vacuum, so that’s why I’ve dedicated myself to being a mental health advocate and sharing my story—and encouraging others to do so as well.

Here’s what the Shine Squad had to say when I asked: What’s something a therapist told you that still helps you?

On calming negative self-talk and anxiety…

"'Change the tape.' I have PTSD and the associated intrusive thoughts. My therapist taught me to notice when my thoughts were going to a bad place to imagine I am listening to a tape I don't like; I can take it out and put in a new tape. I have used that method ever since.”

“When I worry about the ‘what ifs’ to think of the likelihood that it would happen. It has helped me to reduce my worry about something extreme happening.”

“When I worry about the ‘what ifs’ to think of the likelihood that it would happen. It has helped me to reduce my worry about something extreme happening.”

“When discomfort from anxiety or depression starts to consume me, I should ask myself, ‘What are my thoughts?’ Then, challenge the thought—what makes me think that is true, etc. Breathe into the feelings and breath it back out.”

“What did your 13-year-old self need to hear that you need to hear now?”

“[My therapist] taught me to first evaluate my fears and my anxieties, and to make clear distinctions between rational and irrational thoughts. I’ve since learned to ask myself: Is there any evidence for my fear? I’ve discovered that most of my fears are actually irrational, and I’ll go through this same thought process whenever I feel overwhelmed.”

“‘Worrying does not actually make you a better person.’ My mind is still blown by this one!”

“In the midst of a full blown panic attack, look down and see your feet. Know you are safe. Slowly breathe and, if possible, take the time to bring yourself back. It’s a terrible feeling, but to me it was all about feeling safe.”

On being kind to yourself and your emotions…

“When I got COVID-19 and was feeling guilty, ashamed, and stigmatized, my therapist helped me put it in perspective by saying, ‘It’s more contagious than a common cold and you wouldn’t feel guilty and ashamed for catching a cold, would you?’ That was helpful to me.”

“I don’t have to ‘get over’ things, I just need to figure out how to live with them in a way that doesn’t control my day to day.”

“What harm could come from doing the work of healing?”

“Why do you assume what you're feeling is wrong?”

“It’s OK to make plans and change them. It’s OK to feel all the feelings, we are built for that. It’s OK if all you did today was eat & nap. Be gentle with yourself. It’s OK to not be OK—don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“You’re allowed to have more than one feeling at a time.”

“The way your mind responds to things is its way of protecting you. Be kind to those parts of you because their intentions weren't to hurt you, but to protect you from what they perceived as threats.”

“The way your mind responds to things is its way of protecting you. Be kind to those parts of you because their intentions weren't to hurt you, but to protect you from what they perceived as threats.”

“‘What you resist persists.’ This has helped me in so many ways.”

“Whenever she would say ‘That’s normal’ after I explained how I was feeling or felt about a situation—it sounds so simple, but I didn't realize that what she was helping to do was NORMALIZE the inevitability and humanity of feelings, and remove the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ labels I was subconsciously adding to them. Now when friends are feeling annoyed/guilty about experiencing an emotional reaction, I just like to say ‘That's totally warranted’ or ‘Honestly, I would be feeling the same.’”

On prioritizing your needs and boundaries…

“‘Would you rather be on good terms with someone and bad terms with yourself? Or bad terms with someone and good terms with yourself?’ In other words: What’s best for you may upset someone else, but do it anyways. Take accountability, forgive yourself, and move on. Don’t keep trying to pick up glass pieces to fix the issue, especially with someone who isn’t willing to meet you halfway.”

“Anger is an appropriate response when your boundaries have been violated.”

"’You deserve to decide how you spend your time’—this was in context of a friend who manipulated/gaslighted me into monopolizing my time.”

“People can pretend to care, but they can't pretend to show up."

On perfectionism…

“Done is better than perfect. Don’t do something because it won’t be perfect. Do it and be done. Take that art class even if your artwork won’t be perfect. Finish that final report that’s causing you anxiety. Post that picture. Sing at karaoke. Go on a trip. Perfection is the enemy of progress.”

On coping with change…

“‘Change always travels with loss.’ I hate change, especially when I feel myself changing. To change means losing things, but that doesn’t have to mean it’s bad or scary. I’m learning to accept change and the loss that is bound to come with it.”

“Discomfort does not mean danger. Change is uncomfortable, but you are OK. You are safe.”

“Sometimes things fall apart, other times things come together. You can't control what happens around you. All you can do is control how you react to it.”

"You're allowed to change your mind."

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